​Yangtze River By The Hudson Ba​y

About Myself

So, I decided to forgo a career that took decades to build though only days to deconstruct. I do not qualify myself as being “brave”, but hopefully, I am not viewed as being stupid either. Instead, I try to think of myself as being lucky – I am the fortunate one. I should be eternally grateful that I now own an opportunity to engage in another way of living – to pursue a second career so to speak at such late stage of my life...  Yes, I have chosen to write.  I am striving to become a writer and unleashing a long buried desire and dream, although once again there are no gifts here to be found. I am also quite clear that at my age there is no such thing as potential any more in pursuit of any endeavors, and that most if not all aspects of my life have begun their descend quite a while ago…  Thus, I have set zero lofty expectations for myself. My hopes and dreams here are very realistic but I know that I have been a pretty good student my entire life... 


I should note that to build this website was an idea from a dear old friend, and launching this website is to at last begin pursuit of that dream – to inch closer towards an ideal within the realm of my own reality.

Benjamin R. K. Sun (孫賁)
November 4, 2015

There is not much to say about myself really – at least not at this moment in time anyway; but I thought I probably should write a few lines to reveal something to readers who happen to wander onto this site.  It would be a start. My favorite poet of all time, Emily Dickinson, once wrote, “Tell all the truth but tell it slant – Success in Circuit lies… The Truth must dazzle gradually.”  That has been the mojo for my entire life even before I met Ms. Dickinson.

I was taught at the age of three by my presumed fraternal grandmother, a matriarch of sort, to never hold onto anything – anyone – or any place, let alone holding onto them endearingly because you never know when it would end, and they all end eventually <”...你哭什么, 再则么亲热, 人都是会走的; 再则么有时间, 要走的那一天总是会到的...”>.  Consequently, I have been wondering around the world and carrying my grandmother's special brick in an old worn-out backpack for much of the past half of century, while trying to survive in an Angelo Saxon world as someone with an obvious Asian lineage. I grappled, and at times, I struggled mightily between whether that was an invaluable lesson she had generously bequeathed onto me free of charge, or she was simply speaking The Truth of her own life; or both... 


It was life altering nevertheless...

At some point in space and time thereafter, I began to work very hard and drive myself with a reckless abandon towards life countless times.  All the while, I would find myself running away frequently from things, people, and places at first sign of distress, although I did slow down after a nine-year worth of professional counseling. However, I still sought feverishly after success and chased after fame that might follow with a single-tracked mind and a tunnel vision.  Sadly, after nearly half-a-century, I could at last submit that I have failed to reach my goals – not to mention those lofty expectations set by my Mother.  Although I have learned that failing is a relative term, I probably did fail and failed quite miserably in some respect because I somehow managed to choose a wrong trade at every major phase of my life.  I somehow ended up pursuing things that I have no real gifts for with the present moment included – vide infra


I daydreamed with my precious free time that did not involve caffeine, ethanol etc... I wondered what if I were wealthy. That could work for me just fine – I thought – a tiny bit of that tower-in-the-sky kind of wealth at least.  Interestingly, I had not one but two opportunities of which I could have been born into extreme wealth; and I missed both! The first one was more hypothetical, as I was born a generation late and on the wrong side of the earth (or in a wrong parallel universe).  However, in retrospect, that wealth would likely have demanded me to first live out a very meaningful life – on the order of 'sainthood'.  So, never mind – that would have been way too much to ask of me, although it could be happening in the right parallel universe.  The second opportunity knocked later in life and turned out to be quite real or at least humanly attainable in this universe. It even came fully equipped with power and prestige.  Well, I totally missed out on that because of decisions made for me that were completely out of my control.  I really could have been – you know, but that would be another story altogether.  In any event, I do understand that wealth is another relative term, and I am constantly reminded of that cruel relativity whenever I spot a broken-down body curling up around the City Hall – holding up a cardboard sign...


I disdain elitism. I have no interest in power perceived or otherwise, although I would admit that I regret walking away from a highly secured DC office literally "4 stripes" away from The White House (so I was told).  While all that might sound noble, I could not help but wonder from time to time what it would be like to have extreme wealth, power, and prestige – or better – all three.  It would be nice to experience all of that for just a day and to feel what it would be like to be famous – to come highly endorsed – even before one gets out of the bed each morning.  Then again, there have been times getting out of the bed would be my biggest accomplishment of the day...


All in all half-a-century (obsessed with this phrase) later, I found myself once again meandering on the streets, albeit with a new backpack and a few more new and heavier bricks. I began to roam from ground floor coffee shops to park benches to public libraries to pub lounges and bars near nursing homes, while pondering all that went awry in self-absorbed sorrows until one day stories of Dr. Edward C. Perkins and Mrs. Perkins, and stories of their adopted daughter, Dr. J. T. H. Perkins, felt into my lap. Roads suddenly diverged in my tiny little woods, and I began to choose ones I had yet to travel by. Yes, I finally realized that I was old enough to not be afraid of changing courses in life.  For better or for worse, I felt liberated!  I seemed to have new hope – perhaps I have found the redemption that I have been searching for.